Nathan Sass

Shocker: Barack Obama Named NFL Commissioner

In Barack Obama, Economics, Humor, Nancy Pelosi, Politics, Taxes on October 19, 2010 at 5:00 AM

In a stunning and unforeseen move, Barack Obama has resigned the office of President and has been named the new NFL Commissioner.  Obama replaces former NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, effective immediately.

Commissioner Obama announced some drastic changes to the NFL at his first appearance as the new head of the league.

The following is the full text of Commissioner Obama’s statement.

“Effective week 7 of the NFL season, several new rules and organizational changes are to go into effect.

First, the NFL has assumed ownership of all NFL franchises.  Previous owners have been stripped of any rights to NFL teams.  All NFL teams are now the sole property of the fans of the NFL, whom I will personally represent in all matters.  It was time for those fat cat owners to give something back, so we just took it.

Second, I have named Nancy Pelosi the new NFL’s head of officiating.  Ms. Pelosi will be tasked with overseeing the on-field actions of the NFL officials, with a stated goal of preserving equal outcomes at all times.  As you all know, Nancy Pelosi is not someone to screw around with, if ya know what I mean.

To that end, several on and off field rule changes will be put into effect, beginning in week 7 of the NFL season.

  1. Any team that has a lead of more than 7 points will “contribute” 75% of any further points scored to a league wide points pool.  This rule is to make sure that the rich teams pay their fair share. 
  2. Teams that are trailing will be provided bonus welfare points from the league wide points pool at the end of every quarter.
  3. Should a team still hold a lead after the end of the 4th quarter, a representative of the commissioner’s office will be dispatched to decide if the team in the lead is allowed to keep their lead and be granted a win.  If the team showing more points is found to have unfairly oppressed their opponent, they will be declared the losers and stripped of any and all points scored.
  4. The Office of the Commissioner will decide the participants, and winners, of all post season games, including the Super Bowl.  Teams wishing to take part in the playoffs or Super Bowl should begin the application process immediately.  Special emphasis will be placed on cultural diversity and sensitivity, inclusion of women on the playing field in key positions, and proper racial and ethnic composition of all levels of the organization.  Teams who are not found to be sufficiently diverse, inclusive and sensitive should not expect to be included in any post season activities.
  5. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glen Beck are no longer allowed on any property of the NFL at any time and for any reason.  He is further banned from speaking, publicly or privately, about anything related to the NFL, football, or ME.  In fact, he is hereby banned from even thinking about any of those things.
  6. Any member of the media seeking the cooperation of the Commissioner’s Office, or the NFL, will first be required to subject themselves to a thorough background check.  Anyone found to have held inflammatory and/or dangerous opinions regarding the NFL, the Commissioner, or anything else the Commissioner likes, will be banned just like that rat Limbaugh.  You are on notice, media.  I’m not screwing around this time.  You don’t have some stupid freedom of blah blah blah to hide behind anymore.

I am confident that these changes, which the people of America so long have sought even if they didn’t know it, will make the NFL a better and fairer place. 

The current NFL charter may not allow for these changes, however I have determined that the current charter is a living document and open to my interpretation.  Furthermore, I think it is a document that reflects some deep flaws in American culture, the Colonial culture nascent at that time, it also reflected the fundamental flaw of this country that continues to this day.”

Commissioner Obama did not take questions, however expectations are that the new rules will result in record attendance at NFL games, increased on field production, and will help end global warming.  In the event that such things do not occur, the NFL has already opened the NFL Blame Assignment Office in George W. Bush’s front yard in Dallas, TX.

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  1. I hadn’t realized that this really IS the way the game should be played. How lucky are we to live in America where we have game changers’ who KNOW what really is best for us?!?!? It was becoming tiresome to continue to hide behind those stupid FREEDOMS blah blah blah.
    Sad, isn’t it? This article shows us just how ridiculous these new ‘game changes’ would be and yet this is what our great United States of America is suffering at the hands of this Administration/Congress.

  2. Great! Now GB is really in trouble!

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